From Pressure to Presence: The Art of Leading With Emotional Intelligence

Building Influence – Authority Without Armour

There comes a time in every leadership journey when we realise that the title alone won’t carry us. Authority isn’t something we wear like a badge or wield like a sword. It’s something we embody – quietly, steadily – often while feeling anything but certain.

Leadership doesn’t always look loud. Sometimes, it looks like listening deeply, speaking gently, and leading with emotional intelligence.

This edition is about that space. The one where we’re learning to lead across, not just down. Where our influence is earned rather than assumed. Where our presence matters more than our position. It’s about leading with emotional intelligence – cultivating presence, empathy, and clarity in both professional and personal settings.

Leading Sideways: The Challenge of Peer Leadership

In a recent group coaching session, we explored the emotional and relational tightrope that comes with leading among peers. As one participant put it, "I’m the one giving support… but I'm also part of the WhatsApp group!" This dual role - part peer, part leader - can feel disorienting.

Do we challenge, or let it slide? Do we offer feedback, or protect the friendship? Do we speak up, or stay safe?

We unpacked this tension using a powerful tool: The Discovery Frame. A series of reflective questions that help shift us from reaction to reflection, from assumption to awareness – all essential components of emotional maturity in leadership:

• What do I know to be true here?

• What story might I be telling myself?

• What do I want in this situation?

• What do I need to do to stay in integrity?

These prompts helped leaders re-centre in their values, rather than their emotions. One delegate used it to reframe a colleague’s resistance to support not as rudeness, but as vulnerability. Another recognised they had been taking silence as disapproval, when in fact it was simply overwhelm.

This kind of leadership self-reflection creates the space for influence without control – the essence of leading with emotional intelligence.

At Home: Leading With Emotional Intelligence - Influence Without Force

We often think of leadership as something we do at work – but influence without authority begins at home. Take the example of trying to get your child to open up about school. You ask, "How was your day?" and get the classic "fine."

If we respond with irritation or press too hard, we shut down the very connection we’re hoping to build. But if we stay curious, drop our agenda, and listen with presence, we create a different atmosphere. One where the child feels safe to share – not because they’re forced to, but because they want to.

Here are a few phrases that invite openness without pressure:

• “Was there a moment today that made you smile?”

• “Tell me something that surprised you today.”

• “If your day was a weather report, what kind of day did it feel like?”

• “I noticed you looked a bit quiet when you came in – anything on your mind?”

These small shifts build trust and emotional safety – the foundation of all lasting influence. That’s influence without armour.

The Adult State: Emotional Intelligence in Leadership

Another key theme we explored was Transactional Analysis – specifically, the concept of the "Adult" ego state. Unlike the reactive "Parent" or vulnerable "Child," the Adult state responds with clarity, calm, and curiosity – hallmarks of emotional intelligence.

When we lead from our Adult state, we:

• Ask questions rather than make assumptions

• Observe patterns without judgement

• Communicate with clarity rather than control

This doesn’t mean we suppress emotion. It means we own it and choose our response. It’s the difference between “They never listen to me!” and “I’m noticing I don’t feel heard – what needs to shift in how I communicate?”

The more we cultivate the Adult state, the more emotionally intelligent our leadership becomes – responsive, compassionate, and grounded.

Reflection Prompt:

This month, consider:

• Where am I holding back because I fear being judged by my peers?

• How might I lead more effectively if I stopped needing to be right?

• What would it look like to lead with clarity and compassion, rather than control?

We often think of leadership as armour – a way to protect ourselves. But real authority doesn’t come from defence. It comes from presence. From listening well. From asking better questions. From holding space for others, even as we continue to learn ourselves.

Because influence isn’t something we demand. It’s something we become – through the daily practice of leading with emotional intelligence.

Over to You…

If this reflection stirred something in you – a moment of recognition, a question you want to live into, or simply a breath of relief – I’d love to hear it. Hit reply, share a thought, or pass this along to someone who leads with heart.

Let’s keep making space for leadership that’s human, honest, and whole.